Time as white sound
Wednesday, February 28, 2007

CJ's definitely not offering Art this year according to it's website.

Silly Matt! Stop trying to read that sentence in the website over and over again, as if hoping the words would rearrange itself stating otherwise than the above mentioned. I won't be taking A lvl art so just face the fact. At least you've got lit.

But you know what? When God closes a door, he opens a window somewhere else. It's just that we're too busy lamenting over the closed door that we do not find the time to serch for the open window. I believe that it's not mere coincidence that a sewing centre recently opened in the shopping centre near my house. A sign from God?? I would probably think so.

Besides, a background in fine arts (painting/drawing) would not really help in fashion design/merchandizing. Perhaps the sketching part only, but other than that, you might as well eat your paintings.

I have the urge to enrol myself in a course. Elementary dressmaking. $300 for 12 lessons. Uhm...Should I or should I not? A headstart in women's/men's tailoring would definitely be of great help.

4:16 PM

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The class went into the gym for our P.E lesson. Upon entering, I got a shock of my life: Who on earth is that ugly, scrawny, pale looking malnourished chicken?! And after a split second of absolute terror, I soon realise that the "thing" was me- Staring at a mirror. My own reflection. My own flesh and blood. I began thinking to myself: Maybe the lighting's terrible; i never see myself as THAT pale... as pale as those lifeless corpses in the morgue. Those souless bodies on autopsy tables; a mere specimen to be experimented on, being brutally cut into- gut and bone. Without feeling an ounce of pain.

My mind ran wild with critique as I continued to look into the mirror; as if involved with some eternal vendetta with the "thing" looking back at me. Expressionless eyes; eyes that perhaps hide an inner sorrow; a decaying spirit of envy. A sorrow which nobody sees. Perhaps. Or maybe it's me thinking too deeply as usual.

After about a minute or so, my conscience had to step in to block my train of thought: I wasn't gonna continue with this degradation of my very self. I refuse to go back to the state I was in in Secondary school. Those were the dark ages and I NEVER wanna revisit that time of my life EVER again, despite the fact that I had a number of memorable moments there. I started a fresh new chapter when I stepped into CJ and I simply refuse to reciprocate my earlier demons once again on this fresh page. Never again. Never again. I'm gonna be happy with what I have, and embrace the stuff about myself which others might not have.

So anyway, enough about emo crap.

The countdown to Orientation 2 has begun!! And everyone's been telling me stuff like "In about 2 weeks time, we'll be in the official CJ uniform- Imagine that." My oh my...We certainly are growing up.

Arrggh! I'm just 1 mark away from achieving a 'C' for my Lit- Dammit! Shoot! *Beep*edy, *beep*edy, *beep*!!!

Okay, sorry for that randomness.

I don't think I have anything else to write.

7:39 PM

Monday, February 26, 2007

Lessons today were rather enjoyable, excluding the fact that we had Chinese- BORING!! But yeah.. Lit tutorial turned out to be the best; Mrs. Sng is getting more and more likeable despite her cynics. And the class loves her laughter! It's drenched in mockery, but it's also strangely contagious in a positive way. An intelligent discussion was carried out over 'Little Red Riding Hood'- About feminist ideas and the perception that all men are lust driven, sex obsessed hustlers. I have to disagree on the latter, but lit's interesting nonetheless.

So after all the la-dee-dah's of tutorials and lectures, I followed Dea and Ting on the way home once again! We had a good laugh in orchard and on the mrt over no good a reason: We laughed at the slightest of things which may sound retarded but it's actually quite fun. Tomorrow's Gelare's 'Half price day', so we made a date to dine there after school...which ends at 5! ... .... ....

Both of them are right: It IS fun following them on the way home. Good food. Good laughs. And a heck of an enjoyable time.

7:23 PM

Thursday, February 22, 2007

I sit in my room with my 2 due maths tutorials sprawled over my desk. I feel so helpless. I can't manage to complete them because I'm in such a desperate need of a Graphical Calculator to solve the questions! I sigh; resigning to the fact that I might not be able to complete my assignments by tomorrow morning. I pick up my humble scientific calculator. Its incompetent functions do not permit me to draw lines that curve up and down axis. I sigh.

I pick up my chinese workbook. Lines and squares to be filled up. The words look so alien to me; I hardly understand. I sigh.


Okay, normal mode now.

I don't know if I should stay over night for my IG's outing, let alone even go for it in the first place! I'm feeling real tired now and there's just a large number of things that I need to accomplish. I bet I'll be missing out on lots if I miss the outing tomorrow- I'll be missing out on the alcohol at mandy's house where all of us agreed to drink till we get drunk! Ahhh..The sweet nectar of sinful underage drinking. To indulge or feel guilty? To drown your sorrows or drink up in absolute glee? I'll be pondering on my decision in the next few hours or so before I take slumber.

Dea and Ting introduced me to this new route home today via the bus to Orchard MRT. They somehow knew that I didn't go out to town often. Strange... I never said anything about me not going out to town often but they "could tell". A country pumpkin as they called me, but I sheepishly agreed nonetheless. I dislike going out to town competing with the hordes of fashionistas- I feel somewhat pressurized with the fashion competence. Anyway, we had some sentimental talk about our trashy secondary school lives and Dea gave me a sort of pep talk, encouraging me to run for council in term 2.

Matt for council? A huge possibility.

9:11 PM

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The Chinese New Year celebrations were better than I expected- I collected more red packet money compared to last year! However, 46 of those precious dollars have since been spent on a B-Rated computer game and a novel (Margaret Atwood's 'Cat's Eye') Oh well..I've still got quite a sum left to buy clothes and stuff, so I'll be prescribed with retail therapy real soon. Anyone care to join me in my treatment?

I don't know why, but I've been feeling rather blue lately. Not because I practically wear the blue CJ T-shirt everyday to college... I think it's probably due to my large amount of assignments which are due. Worrying like mad, sometimes for no apparent reason...And then I'll snap out of it; Submerged in a period of momentary lightheartedness. And then, I'll fall into a relapse and start worrying again.

A tiny speck of me wonders if my time in CJ will be the same as Cat High- Being the total unpopular wallflower (definition of wallflower: to constantly be at the sidelines of any social activity) ; the one who nobody gives a f about.... I don't think I'll be banished to such a category here in CJ though. I honestly feel loved here. It's almost as if all my early/mid teen years I've been yearning to find a place where I'll feel like I truly belong, and now I've finally found that place. I know this is all emo shit, but yeah...that's how I feel.

Random thing: Oh yeah... I realised that I like to compare myself with others, and I tend to feel that everyone is better than me which makes me feel worthless a number of times- I gotta tell myself not to do that again!! Cultivation of envy is very bad for the heart and God does not want us to feel miserable doing that.

God rocks!!!---- NOT a random thing.

I've freaking assignments to do. Damn pissed. Sometimes I sit in H1 Maths tutorial thinking to myself "Why on earth do I put myself through such torture after ALL the crap that I went through in secondary school" I value the importance of Maths, but I don't fancy it.

Needless to say about science- I completely ditched the subject as a whole. No more science. Ever. Oh happy days.

3:54 PM

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Today's the eve of chinese new year, and I really don't give a hoot.
I hardly have any cultural pride except the fact that I'm 1/16 Spanish. Hurray hurrah. I'm a mudblood. Sort of. Whatever.

The basic analogy of visiting relatives, for me, is to just suck money from them; nothing more. I do have a few relatives that I like or don't mind, but that few is a serious minority.

Just "tahan" the next hour or so. Force yourself to smile and be fake if you absolutely have to.-- That's what I usually tell myself before visting completely random relatives. It's quite a torture. But you get money in return of your tolerance, so I usually shut myself up and collect my money.

Happy days indeed.
The joy of temporary wealth at the price of painful torture.


How ironic.

2:44 PM

Thursday, February 15, 2007

This is a really random thought:

I realise that my blog lacks photo documentation- The lack of insight of the world through my eyes. But what is the use of photos in a blog when you've got words; Beautiful words of the English Language to facilitate your imagination. Words to describe and emote. Words to depict humor and wit. Words skillfully stringed together forming sentences of aesthetics.

The only other alternative to view the world in my eyes other than photos would be to to gorge out my eyeballs and connect them to your brain...However, that would not only be impossible, but it would most certainly hurt like hell- ouch, I say.

Err....Yeah..That was extremely random. Just food for thought.

Now on to more relevant stuff---
CJC's cutoff is most probably gonna drop again (to 11 i heard); real proud of that. CJ has indeed come a long way from it's infamous 'baby making factory' days in the late 90's and early 2000's. It's definitely an underdog JC; the others better watch out for us coz we're on a roll!!

So many ppl from my class are gonna withdraw from CJ/change subject combi, which is quite a pity considering that we have bonded really well as a class these past few weeks.

Strangely, it almost seems as though the controversies faced as a class bonds us even tighter... however, it's at the expense of one classmate's unity with the rest of us. Kinda sad doncha think? But i seriously rather have it this way. It's way better than how 1T01 started.

T1 was rather unified during the first few days or so. It was Amadea, Yi Ting, Cara, Jasmine, Gary, Reginald in a group and the rest of the class in another. 7 vs 11 (excluding yong wen and song lin who had early exits) We had the advantage in numbers anyway- Haha : )... However, after picking out some of the bad seeds in that bunch of 7 (those whom i will most definitely NOT name), Amadea, Yi Ting and Cara turned out to be pretty cool. The class gelled well with them, and now T1's inseperable. Lol.

Not quite it seems, however... several have withdrawn and more are going to leave.

Early casualties include Yong Wen and Song Lin. I hardly got to know them well. They were only with us for a day or two.

Proceeding their withdrawals, Cara, Joel, Gary, Reginald have left T1.
Jasmine is probably withdrawing any day; I do not appreciate her behaviour of shoving responsibilities to the rest of the class. Not very mature. But she's still a nice person nonetheless.

And alas, as March approaches us, we'll see the departures of more beloved T1-ians:
Vivienne who will be going to NYJC in pursuit for her love for science.
Pei Jiao and Sharon/"Tony" who will be heading to poly.
Amadea may also be leaving T1 to switch to another subj combi too! :( (But she'll still be in CJ la)

So, that would leave 10 of us in our humble motley crew.

I love 1T01.

8:14 PM

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentine's Day at CJ was an experience like no other. The whole atmosphere was so lighthearted and all of us were like one big family- Me and many others were on cloud nine. I love CJ!!

Yeah..and I gave Debbie Beins from 1T02 the pink rose I always wanted to give her. And to cut the long story short, I had the "I-like-you-but-I-still-rather-be-friends" syndrome. Thankfully, she was real understanding about it and said that it's okay coz we are good friends and will still continue to be so. I felt so relieved. Haha. I Love Debbie!!- As a good friend lah. Platonic friends, duh.

There's just too many things to talk about today: I gave the whole class cute presents wrapped in gorgeously pretty cellophane paper and curly whirly ribbons. I loved the paper hearts I made for them too! Go me!

Nat and I ecxhanged flowers. A stalk of red orchids for an orange gerbera (I gave the gerbera).

I recieved many V Day 'tags'... The class went practically crazy grabbing the tags outside the student council centre for their own distribution. Amadea was stuffing heaps of tags into my huge pencil case as the others looked in disgust. But hey, it was for the entire class so we had the license to grab as many as we needed. A couple of handfuls later, and when my pencil case was completely bloated, the J2 council ppl almost wanted to approach us to question our incessant grabbings. Amadea then pretty much grabbed my arm and pulled me along screaming and laughing "RUN MATT!!". That whole scene was superbly comical.

Ahhh...and how could I forget some of the mini letters I got from my classmates? They're real sweet.

And there were many many chocolates which were passed round too! And sweets! And sugar, and spice and everything nice!!! Oh what the heck! You get what I mean...V Day at CJ- an explosion of vibrancy and energy.

7:26 PM

Monday, February 12, 2007

Heyheyhey...Guess who just recovered from the oh so cyncical dark ages?

Yeah, it was truly the 'dark ages' indeed; A truly horrible phase that I went through. I would basically lie in bed, not feeling the urge to get up and bathe/have a change of clothing or whichever. During that period of time, I'll only officially get ready for the day at around 3 p.m, which is incredibly unusual in comparison to my typical routine.

And that's just not it. I would spend hours writing dark, morbid poetry and blast Pink's "Don't Let Me Get Me" on really ear blasting volume. I don't know why, but I really sorta got in sync with the song so I pretty much put it on repeat and didn't get sick of it at all for those few days. Did I mention about me dress code? Yup...Black nails; black clothes. It's all seriously freaky now that I think of it; A side of myself which was never exploited.

Okay, maybe I've not fully recovered from my period of gothic emoticity, but I guess sufficiently enough for me to actually listen to happy/cheesy/dorky tunes from my 80s music collection.... As well as....Yikes...Paris Hilton?? 0.o Hey, her songs aren't that shabby you know?

Right now, I've gotta find a way to excuse myself from school last Friday and today. Well...I could probably say that I had to attend an art diagnostic test in NYJC today...and as for last Friday?? Let's just say that I'm still wondering why I chose not to go to school that day other than the fact that the anticipation of the o lvl results was really getting to me big time. All I remember was that I woke up from a nightmare on that hallowed Friday morning: I dreamt that I accidentally morbidly killed someone. Yeah, I'm so unusual right?

Matthew Jesse Fam is back in business; Detached from feelings of gloom and disdain.
Hee hee har har... .... ....

7:24 PM

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Past last midday I got back my results
And all my joy was zapped
Mourning the death of me
The piece that tried to fit
10 long years I have waited
For my happy ending
But my chapter ended in sorrow

A Boo-boo for my s.s
Caused a B3 for Combined Humans.
And I still don't understand why
A B3 adorns on that dreaded slip
For Art.

Was my style too unconventional?
I know I didn't play it safe
I'm proud of what I did
But the examinors disagreed

Guo Jun didn't deserve the A2
If you saw his work, you'll know
He even had ppl to help him paint his coursework
Such a fucktard he is
With a personality of an aubergine
Face as ugly as soiled asswipes
Fucking prick.

I shall avenge my B3 for art
I will never give up
Through fire and wind
I will make it through the rain (i know...this is an overused phrase, right sam?)

At least I can be proud of my English
A glowing A1
Better than all those nerdy PRC scholar freaks
Whose shorts are worn higher than the waist
Theyre so smart it makes me sick
Sick that such ppl even exist

I yelled by balls off in anger
Couldn't keep it in
Attracted alot of unwanted attention
But who the fuck cares

My last chance to fit in within the academic ranks
Of my schoolmates
But I never did
Feel so left out and alone
Like I always did

To kill the one I loved so dearly
In pursuit for passions
My heart breaks as I pull the trigger
I grow numb at the deadening silence

Food tastes bland in my mouth
My nights have turned to day
Sunlight burns my skin
A creature which stalks on prey

My curtain call has come
To take my final bow
To end this chapter in my life
Of sorrow and dismay

8:42 AM

Monday, February 05, 2007

Valentine's day is coming up real soon and I sorta regretted tellin' some of my classmates about the gal I like during break time--- They forced it outta me! My goodness..The girls were buzzing all over giving me HEAPS of advice and what type of flower to give her on V Day etc etc.. Too much info to process. Come to think about it, I don't really regret that decision after all: The girls were real supportive and helpful, giving me loads of encouragement and huzzah.

Thanks girls of 1T01! In case you were wondering, I'm now the only guy left in my class, lol. Huge transition from the all male environment i was in for the past 10 years. The irony...

Anyway, I would just like to give a shout out to my girls of 1T01: Carmen, Michelle, Pei Jiao, Sharon, Jamie, Sheryl, Vivienne, Cheryl, Shu Xian, Yi Ting, Amadea, Jasmine, Jolene and Yang Wei. You gals rock!!!

Oh yeah..I got highest in my class for GP Essay- Heh. I'm so clever. Har har har.

O level results coming out on the 9th this Friday. I could either be freaking excited or pissing in my pants on that day. I don't think I'll score fantastically well for my L1R5 but I'm still hopeful.

So all I can do for now is wait and hope.

8:36 PM

Friday, February 02, 2007

Today I recieved my first demerit point as Home Tutorial Councilor.

Apparently, I couldn't chase everyone out of the class in time before locking the doors and therefore, about a third of us were late. Was it my fault that I was late for assembly? No way jose, but that fucking prick thought otherwise. "It is the role of the HTCs to chase everybody out of the class" It sucks sacrificing yourself for the sake of those few ppl in class. But hey, I guess I can't complain: After all, it's just 1 harmless demerit point. Besides, Jesus sacrificed himself literally for the salvation of the entire world, so in comparison, the thing that happened this morning was really nothing.

Didn't think I cooled down very easily though.. I remember slamming my file to express my anger before geog lecture started...And regretted doing so as I didn't expect my file's slamming to be that loud. Very embarrassed was I, indeed.

P.E was an equal terror- I had to run four freaking kilometers in preparation for the Cross Country Meet. Not very fun at all. I clocked in a time that was good, but the teacher didn't believe tt I ran 11 rounds around the track. He insisted that I had 1 more round to complete just because this fitter looking guy ahead of me had not completed yet. Don't ever judge a book by it's cover.

And alas, 1T01 (my class)bids farewell to Gary, Joel and Cara. Next week, our numbers will dwindle to a mere 16: 14 girls and 2 guys. Yikes... A 1:7 ratio; extremely unstable. I don't think anyone will be missing Gary though..Because of him, several of our tutors have started to label our class the the "havoc one". So yeah... everyone's happy that he's gone.

Other funny/weird things that have been happening in CJ:

- I'm one of the "smartest" in my class for Maths. Huge joke.

- I've recieved the comment "You look quite chio" more than 3 times which is freaking me out very very very much. Sam's guy friend called me a "chio bu"---WHAT?!?!?!?! I seriously don't know how the hell to react to such a comment. Accept it well coz after all ppl are saying that u are easy on the eyes, or be completely disturbed??

Yeah..other than those weird stuff, I like CJ's culture pretty much. I just hope that they'll be sufficient students taking art as a subject during the 2nd intake for them to start a class.

3:52 PM